I wasn’t going to touch on this very personal subject, but given the recent suicide of Ms. Amanda Todd and the shooting of Ms. Malala Yousafzai (the ultimate in bullying), I feel my time for silence has past.
It’s a terrible thing to be afraid. You study every facet of your being, fixating on your imperfections, finding very little reason for positivity. The world looks bleak. You contemplate philosophical issues until the pressure in your skull becomes too insurmountable to take. Perhaps the existence of a higher power makes things even worse. The world begins to crumble around you. The struggle to go on seems fruitless. And yet, you do. For now.
The biggest falsehood we tell ourselves is that nobody else could possibly understand. Nobody else is going through what I am going through. The lies begin to take a stranglehold until you can take it no longer. But the truth will set you free.
Being gimped to shit and overweight can make you one hell of a target, literally and figuratively. You distance yourself from others, afraid they’ll learn your secret. Your underwear is more padded than theirs. You have to shove a tube up your dick just to relieve yourself. Incontinence. Maybe the worst possible thing to endure. It’s the most odiferous prison cell you’ll ever experience. Then you’re the clean up crew. Oh shit. Have to change again.
Lies are like an addiction. At first they ease the pain, then they get out of control and leave you powerless. You’re begging for the only rehab truth can bring. I’ll spoil the surprise for you. Sometimes it DOESN’T get better. Sometimes YOU have to get better on you own and find the will to go on.
I can say I know how it feels, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway. I still haven’t decided whether going on is worth the effort. Many days I am merely alive chemically rather than by will. The truth may set you free, but it will make you miserable first. But you keep trying. You are not alone.
If there’s a God or any kind of justice under the sky
If there’s a point, if there’s a reason to live or die
If there’s an answer to the questions we feel bound to ask
Show yourself – destroy our fears – release your mask
Oh yes we’ll keep on trying
Hey tread that fine line
Yeah we’ll keep on smiling yeah
And whatever will be – will be